A Shitty Review of A Christmas Story
“I don’t just mean bad, I mean impressively, surprisingly, stupendously, monumentally, horrendously awful.
The people who told me this was a Christmas classic… I wonder when the last time they saw it and paid attention was. This movie sits atop a lofty reputation, which is all that it has in its favor. What is the case for this being a good film?
No character is likable. In any scene when the main character is with one of his friends from school, that scene ends with one of them being abandoned by their “friends” to a horrible fate of some kind alone, bullies, frozen tongues, etc.
The younger brother lives under the sink and is only able to eat his food when his mom tells him to act like a pig, which he does for a really, really long time (editing, anyone?)in disgusting, glorious detail. Probably that kid grows up to be a serial killer.
Mom pulls little Ralphie off a kid whose nose he has just broken, and without waiting to find out what happened, leaves the other kid there lying in the snow, bleeding. Covered in blood. Really, the blood is all over his face.
Dad is a more endearing character because he is bumbling and likes to drop the f-bomb around his little kids at home while he leaves the parenting to mom.
And now I will anticipate a response in the defense: “but that’s how things were.” I hope life at the time was better. This movie celebrates mediocrity. The whole goal of it is to connect to Americans because “these things really happened to people.” There were bullies! There were teachers, and -GASP- pranks! There were trips to the shopping mall! Creepy elves and Santas! Dorky kids who constantly wore repulsive sweaters! Dogs stole the turkey! STOP THE PRESSES. THERE WERE PINK BUNNY SUITS.
Is that really funny? No episode or moment of the movie is really any more than mediocre, the humor is pedestrian at its best moments, and the movie just isn’t ever remotely interesting.
I didn’t know whether to be more disturbed by Ralphie’s fantasy about shooting imaginary black people trying to rob his house or by the “amusement” created by Chinese people trying to speak English; perhaps in the end it was the simple fact that all of the terrible stock characters and pedestrian humor and mediocrity and cheesy voice-overs and all the rest of it were structured around a boy’s desire to get a gun for Christmas. Which he did.”
A Shitty Review of A Charlie Brown Christmas
“I listened to a recent puff piece on NPR about the announcer showing this annual travesty to his kid who was non-plussed by it. I can’t fathom why people imagine this morose, depressing, dreary little show is appropriate for children OR that it’s still has a place in any adults viewing list. If you think this thing is fun or deep it’s time for you to recognize: the material is too dreary and cynical for a child. As an adult you should recognize that the thing isn’t intended for kids and you should resent that you wasted your childhood being exposed to it. This is the most depressing cartoon people willingly show their children.
Schultz had only one idea: Depict kids precociously traficking in pop psychology and adult topics (Xmas is run by a big eastern syndicate..?) as if they had adult knowledge. That’s it. There’s nothing more to it. Maybe you didn’t get it.
On top of that by showing this mopey garbage to your kids you prematurely expose them to social alienation and depression. Mmmmm… Kids are never too young to start pondering being an outcast. The peanuts gang treats Charlie Brown like garbage for 27 minutes and then wish him a Merry Xmas at the very end. That’s the conclusion? For (edited) sake, whatever you do, do NOT sign me up for you next C.B. Xmas party. Peanuts was never for kids.
I hate hate hate hate HATE the Charlie Brown TV specials. Only Vince Guraldis once rare, now overplayed music offers any merit.
This was one of at least three specials including “Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” which mercifully is no longer shown and the wildly unpopular “No Dogs Allowed.”“
Sacrilege: A Shitty Review of Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
“Am I the only one that thinks this Christmas special is creepy, cheap, and weird? The only thing I can give credit to on this show is the music. The plot and characters however are shallow. What kind of self respecting reindeer forgives the entire south pole after a 5 second apology for dumping on him because of his handicap?
Furthermore the animation just freaks me out. Perhaps it’s the absence of fluidity of motion, maybe it’s the premonition that toys shouldn’t move on their own. I don’t know, it’s just scary.
Parent’s, don’t subject your kids to this “thing”, it’s not even close to PC and there are many, many better options. Try “A Christmas Story” or the Disney incarnation of “Mickey’s Christmas Carol,” which is more deserving of the word classic.”
A Shitty Review of Santa’s Slay
““Santa’s Slay” is what you call a disease. This movie can’t say was made for money because who will pay to watch this kind of crap. I specially don’t think so.
If you think this is a comedy you be totally wrong.Let’s imagine Santa comes in your house and blows your brains out…..”hilarious”, no?.This is more like an abomination, so don’t bother yourself watching it.
If you believe it’s some kind of horror or thriller…..hmm let’s say , for example, when you look at a Stephen King movie…..that’s horror!!
If you ask me why I vote for 1 on this movie, is because it didn’t have 0 so I’m sorry but this kind of cheap movies deserves 0 and no more than that.
Anyway this movie wasn’t made for winning Oscars but not for children either, because when you take your kid to the cinema to watch “Santa’s Slay” he will not understand that the movie is a bad “comedy” especially when your kid is young and still believes in Santa and you might here your child say “Dad, will Santa come and blow my brains out?”.So remember don’t feed your kids movies like this, will mess up their brains.Better tell them to read a book.
Enough for this “movie” because are other worse than this but…..other far more better.
A Shitty Review of The Muppet Christmas Carol
“Well, one thing about seeing and listening to a movie is to hear the language spoken in the film. But as a swede I have to hear Michael Caine talk with a swedish voice. I love The Muppet Show and Michael Caine but i don’t wan’t mixed with a swedish tounge”
A Shitty Review of Scrooged
“I disliked this movie when it first appeared 14 years ago. I’ve just now seen part of it again, and like a bloody car accident scene, I couldn’t turn away. But afterwards I felt dirty and polluted—- as if I needed to take a shower. I had forgotten how truly mean spirited and ugly this glob of vile really was. Yuck! And not to forget… Ewwwww.
Karen Allen and Alfre Woodward are both such beautiful people—- hot babes, of course, but also fine spirited and good hearted folks. What were they doing in this disaster? I bet that either someone tricked them into it, or else 1988 was a lean year for them somehow, and they were desperate for money. And Annie Lennox! She sang the wonderful closing credits theme song—- “Put a Little Love In Your Heart.” Boy—- “Scrooged” is such a filthy disservice to those three marvelous ladies—- Karen, Alfre, and Annie. What a crime!
Bill Murray may have some appeal for some people. But for myself, he makes my skin crawl. Please don’t make the mistake of falling for the “theme” this movie is advertised under. It is NOT any kind of holiday movie you’d ever want to show any child, nor any loved one. Excuse me now, I must go and shower for about a week…”
“OK the problem is the christmas lights are over powering. all the babes act agley. the one red heiring that is not pretty but acts like A Beautiful women. The DP made hir into a monstar, and she looks like one of my cusins or a good date. to me. we get to know the killers, but not the charters. there is no real off sceen Drama for the killers. no mystery. the Whole thing about pagan as a bad thing is offensive and add nothing to the movie. One bad sigh that the director is not comfindent as a director is he seems to pushed and ovey cutted and show off and not it looks unprofessional. If you think this is a good horror movie then you need to seen more Asia horror.. if you can’t stand the subtitles, too bad. it is better then this garbege cartoon for ameturs Audiences who will never learn the history of the genre. and yes it is at poins stary but make my stumick feel ill.”
A Shitty Review of Miracle on 34th Street
“Nutty old dude thinks he’s Santa Claus.
The old saltine gets dissed by all of New York City except one grating little girl who harasses the old coot by trying to persuade him to grant her Christmas wishes. Old Kris couldn’t grant a log into the toilet, at least not without a barrel of prune juice for breakfast, but the girl’s unmatched devotion for the old fruit pie remains steadfast, so everybody involved gives the old bat a break by allowing him to go on thinking he’s Kris Kringle instead of some old nut-job wearing a Santa hat.
Goofy flick masquerading as a holiday film starring old Edmund Gwynn.”
A Shitty Review of A Christmas Vacation
“A friend of mine called Willie swears this is one of the best, if not THE best Christmas movie ever and gave me his treasured DVD from off his shelf so that I too could share in the fun. However, given that his musical taste runs only as far as Shaking’ Stevens and Five Star (in other words naff 80’s music), I wasn’t hopeful sitting down to watch it on a cold, snowy-outside pre-Christmas night (i.e. everything in its favour!).
Having said that, my wife, who loves TV shows like “You’ve Been Framed” featuring the public falling down a lot, laughed quite a lot, but that too is no recommendation. I appreciate that it probably struck and continues to strike a chord with the American public, where massive family re-unions on Christmas Day with the house done up like the Blackpool or Vegas Illuminations are de rigeur (although the latter practice is certainly growing in the UK), but for me, who’s never really latched onto the National Lampoon type of humour, I was left colder than a penguin.
Chevy Chase does his best with his portrayal of Everyman USA, hoping for his big Christmas bonus from his employer, fantasising about younger women and trying to please everyone in the family, even the black sheep (although in this family, some are blacker than others!) but despite many pratfalls, explosions and embarrassing moments, my funny bone resolutely refused to be tickled.
Not much more to say really, other than I’ll be watching “White Christmas” and “It’s A Wonderful Life” over the next two days, where I know I will be transported into the world of Christmas, but this particular damp squib, I’ll leave to the very young, very American and Willie.”
“This movie is humorous, but there are some very crude references to PlayBoy. The language can be overlooked if you are used to loose, crude talk. I definitely wouldnt recommend this for kids or teens!”